It is not uncommon to hear someone refer to their baby (under 12 months of age) as a 'good' baby. This question leaves me wondering, 'what makes someone define a baby as good or bad?' Parents (or the ones using those descriptors) are often referring to the baby's sleep habits, responses to others, level of fussiness/crying, and what used to be referred to as how 'agreeable' they were. The challenge is that the perception of the baby's demeanor can affect attachment, attitudes, stress-level, and a parent's feelings, even as the child gets older. This starting point has lead me to often question what parents consider to be good or bad behaviors at different age ranges and how strongly or deeply these beliefs go. Are children good or bad or is it just a reference to behaviors? The beliefs that begin as a passing comment about a baby's temperament, habits, behaviors, and responses quickly transform into a parenting style or strategy. For a parent whose baby always seemed to be calm, content, and happy, it is not uncommon for them to say, 'he was such a good and easy baby' when the child enters toddlerhood and starts showing more of his own personality. Parents can feel quite blindsided or confused. However, even when parents/caregivers are not relating back to the time when their child was younger, the late infancy, toddler, and preschool stages can be quite a challenge not for the faint of heart. It is a time of such challenge that toddlers are often known to go through the 'terrible twos.' Ironically, many children make it through their second year of life with little discord or behavioral challenges. Just as parents breathe a sigh of relief believing they missed the storm, the terror of the 3rd year hits seemingly out of nowhere. Children from birth through age 6 are not experts at much of anything. They haven't really been in the game of life long enough to have points of reference, experience, let alone management over their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Children (all the way to age 6) are developing autonomy, they actually have difficulty seeing and understanding themselves outside of the context of their primary caregivers. The younger they are, the less of a capacity for understanding the concept of independent-individual human. As a society, we often expect too much out of them Now, more than ever, we live in a very confusing society filled with access to rapid firing of emotions on screens, disconnected parents/adults focused or preoccupied with work, their own challenges, adult worries, and attention given to devices. We are in a society where there is a lot of conflict and disregard for fellow adults and little tolerance for learning children. We can get what we want by the click of a button and get angry when it isn't at our doorstep in 24 hours or less. That goes for food, material products we need or don't need, prescriptions/medication, or services. It isn't wrong, it is just the way the world is moving now. I see so many things that are becoming harder and harder to distinguish between appropriate response given the way we navigate and interact in our daily living or atypical symptoms or behaviors, despite the ever-changing world. One thing that doesn't change, no matter what evolves in the world is our children's need for certain levels of care and attention, as well as the fact there are expected developmentally- and age-appropriate expectations and milestones. A young child's behavioral and emotional response can happen for a number of reasons. The most significant reason is that very young children have rapid cycling of emotions, often feeling them for the first time without any language, points-of-reference, understanding, or strategies to manage them. I can't imagine, now as an adult, experiencing an overpowering and new emotion, especially due to fear, distress, profound sadness, or confusion and having those surrounding me getting angry, frustrated, and critical. I point out the adult perspective because most of us respond to hurt adults with compassion, empathy, or understanding unless we simply don't know how to respond. However, the reaction is still rarely anger or frustration. With young children, there are indeed times that they know very well what they are doing or are testing the waters. It's actually the job of a healthy developing toddler to predictably engage in certain behaviors at certain periods of development. That doesn't mean that all children will or there are problems with the child or parenting if a child doesn't, but it is to explain that even the best behaved children can turn into a seemingly different child or have a sudden lapse in predictable behavior. That's why it is strongly recommended that young children are constantly closely supervised because we don't know when the toddler who never put things in her mouth will suddenly decide to eat something toxic. Toddlers are not masters of impulse control. Typically if they don't engage in a certain behavior, there is either no desire to do so or it didn't occur to them. In other words, sometimes just not showing a young child that a certain option exists can be the very reason they don't do it. The adventurous, daring, boundary-testing toddler tends to have a lot of ideas occur to them. The earlier we can start appraising behaviors that appear to be a challenge as a strength and finding ways to positively use them, the sooner we can get ahead of those that might otherwise be an ongoing challenge. This blog series is going to focus on true tantrums, meltdowns, and testing the water behaviors in infants, toddlers, and preshoolers. The aim is to help parents and caregivers better understand the important differences because response matters. I will discuss 'typical' behaviors, what to watch for, and behaviors that should be assessed and when to get more support. My blog title, it's not always a tantrum, is a critical part in understanding that our toddlers aren't doing things 'to us,' but are engaged in an important time in their development. Not everything is a tantrum--meltdowns and tantrums have very different implications. While it is beyond the scope of this posting to describe he nuances of tantrums, meltdowns, and the cause and effect tantrum and how exactly to respond, I will dive into that more in-depth in my coming blogs. I look forward to offering blogs with information and insight, organized in series so that you can more easily stay informed on the topics that matter most to you.
Staying in control of your own actions and behaviors by use of calm and rational response is always the key to effective management.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only. No information is intended as personal, medical, or therapeutic advice. I do not support, condone, or recommend any punitive or corporal discipline to children of any age of any behavioral concern. Always seek out guidance, evaluation, medical/mental health consultation from a trained professional and get support any time you are struggling or feel there is a problem. If you experience an emergency, please call emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.
It's Not Always A Tantrum (Part 1)-The true tantrum.
3/22/25
The True Tantrum (severity level varies)
Age range affected: Can begin as early as 8-9 months and last until around age 4.5.
What does it 'look' like? In older infants, we often see the trial run or startups of a tantrum. Throwing self back and crying, laying on the floor crying, sometimes shrieking/screaming. As children get older and enter toddlerhood, tantrum behavior is more prevalent and actually expected. Behaviors become more complex and can include, crying, screaming, running, throwing self down and refusing to move, laying on the floor, possible hitting self in head or head banging (this behavior should always be assessed by a medical doctor due to safety and more serious potential causes), screaming, scratching, hair pulling, biting. By late toddlerhood to 36+ months, add more complex talking back, name-calling, declaring the injustice in the situation, stating they 'hate/don't like/have a mean' parent, and other similar behaviors. Some children gag, make themselves throw up, hold their breath until they pass out. Those cases should always be evaluated by a medical professional and guidance sought on how to respond to it.
Frequency & Duration: In younger children (from under 1 year to about 2.5 years), true tantrums tend to last a shorter period of time from as little as a minute to around 5 minutes. They just tend to happen more frequently. A 'typically-developing' toddler can have 5-6 tantrums in an hour, most hours of the day. An older child is likely to have less frequency of tantrums during the course of the day, but can maintain the behavior for between 15 minutes to possibly several hours. In older toddlers and preschoolers, it is common to see 'bouts' of the tantrum where they ramp it up and then stop/get distracted and then startup again seemingly when they realize they've slowed down the behavior. One major distinction of tantrums is that children will 'watch and see' what their reaction is causing and will escalate when they are being watched, checked on, or otherwise being acknowledged. That doesn't necessarily mean the correct response is ignoring and there is never a time that it is acceptable or safe to leave a child unsupervised or in a public place (walking away to be out of sight or expecting the child to follow). Some children actually stop behaviors completely if they believe they are not being watched or no one is around and will startup again as soon as they realize otherwise.
What is the expected time period for the 'phase' to last? The good news here is that it is not uncommon for many children to try on the tantrum hat and decide it isn't their cup of tea in a relatively short period of time, from a few days to a week. Some children may abandon the use of tantrums and then revisit later on. This is common in children who attend daycare, preschool or other peer-based settings where they watch to see what other kids do, even without knowing or understanding the response. Some parents feel like the tantrum stage is never going to end. The toddler has a tantrum because they wanted their hair in a ponytail, but then tantrum because they want pigtails now instead. This results in parental frustration quite rapidly because it can feel like the child is never happy or they can't do 'anything' to make their child happy. In reality, it is often the case that the child is cycling rapidly through wants, thoughts, and emotions. They lack the experience and emotional maturity to stop and think through what they want. Impulse drive is high and their thoughts, feelings, and responses are out-of-sync. Often, this is a short stage and it will pass just as quickly as it started. Other times, it is indicative of another issue which can include feeling unsafe in a specific environment, an unpredictable response and emotional tone in a primary care environment, lacking a skill necessary for effective communication (such as, not being able to articulate wants) resulting in frustration, and/or a sensory concern as a few examples.
What do I do about it? The core response depends on the reason for the tantrum behaviors. For example, if a child is experiencing communication difficulties (such as, they just turned 2 and are just not at the age of using expressive communication yet), many states offer free evaluations and services for children under early intervention services. You can also check-in with your pediatrician to determine if any further steps are recommended or get some support on how-to give your child developmentally-appropriate tools to communicate. The biggest answer for a child who is determined to be going through a 'typical tantrum phase,' waiting it out with patience, calm, consistent, and non-punitive responses is the best approach as it not only saves everyone from a lot of unnecessary escalated frustration, but it is the best teaching tool in the longrun. If your child knows that without fail, you are going to respond predictably, consistently, and safely to their behavior, there is less incentive to continue it and it supports healthy development, social competence, and self-regulation. Having boundaries and age-appropriate rules and expectations does not get abandoned by responding in a manner that is safe, healthy, predictable, and non-punitive. It's one of the times where parents have to show the most restraint, when their child is acting aggressively or continuously acting in any of the aforementioned undesirable ways, but parenting is an investment and the challenge of the stage passes by. Listening to your own 'gut' or instinct is a crucial part of the parenting response for tantrums. If you think there is something not right, listen to that. On the other hand, if the behaviors feel extreme, seem to worsen, or are not improving, early support can save a lot of unnecessary stress and strain. Sometimes, it is just a matter of learning positive strategies that work best for your child. Think out-of-the box, as redirection and avoidance of triggers are two of the most successful and stress-saving tools in the early childhood toolkit. It is common to want to think of the consequences that are needed to be given to a child when they act up in such a way. However, asking yourself what the actual problem is can help with your approach and problem-solving. Technically, a tantrum (especially at the beginning) is an expression of emotions. Why does there need to be a consequence for expressing (loudly) dissatisfaction or unhappy feelings? If a child truly isn't hurting anyone or anything (other than maybe ears), careful evaluation of what rule that breaks is paramount. There are numerous positive strategies for dealing with tantrums out in public, in quiet settings, and/or before they escalate. That's why seeking out support if it is feeling unmanageable can be a successful management tool. Redirection can work quite effectively and doesn't condone tantrum behavior, especially when we start to look through the lense of a tantrum simply being an undesirable way to express emotions without it really breaking a rule. Avoiding the triggers is not the same thing as changing household rules, avoiding activities or routine needs, or not holding children accountable for age/developmentally-appropriate expectations. It is, however, a different way of getting to a same end goal without the anticipated stress.
Here is an example: Young children often struggle with transitions, especially when it is from an activity that they are happily engaged in. A stressed parent might take their preschooler to the park in order to break up the stress and consequently, feels like they handled the stressful day positively. Thing change quickly when it is time to leave the park, but the child has a record-breaking tantrum at that announcement. The parent is not just discouraged, but confused as the child should see her efforts to give the child something fun to do, there should be a little more appreciation, and she has followed all of the suggested recommendations for transitions to include, telling the child what to expect ahead of time, playing with the child (showing interest) for part of the time, and telling the child the expected timeline for when it will be time to go. Additionally, the parent has given the 5, 3 and 1 minute warnings, as strongly advised to help with transitions. The child goes along with it in agreement until the announcement that it is time to go. The parent is embarrassed as other people are staring, she wants to get home to get dinner and bedtime completed. She tells her child, it is time to go home, eat dinner, and get ready for bed. The child protests louder and stronger. Here, the mother has just added undesirable tasks to do after leaving the park. Creative active avoidance is one strategy that can be used in this scenario as preventing the situation that avoids the tantrum altogether might be key here. If the mother knows the child has difficulties with leaving fun activities, she may first want to evaluate things with the child that magnify those challenges. Typically, hunger, fatigue, need for more positive/quality time, need for more social time, and/or just the human response of not wanting to stop something fun are all reasons that can contribute to the behavior. Therefore, before going to the park, the mother can aim to address as many of these potential challenges first. It may not be appropriate for the child to take a nap depending on time of day and/or whether or not the child even does naps anymore. However, in other parts of the day, books about frustration leaving fun things, dialogue when doing other activities that relate to that feeling as the parent, 'see and appreciate' how hard it is for the child (not in the moment), using prompting questions to ask the child if they can think of anyone else who feels sad or frustrated when leaving and talk about coping and/or positive/negative observations about the response, and other similar approaches that do not happen on the way, at, or after leaving the park. Integrating quality time at periodic intervals while the child is playing. Make the first activity as the parent, 'watching' or 'showing' what the child can do on the slide, on the monkey bars, etc. Then, empower the child to play alone with the parent watching (or with other kids at the park). An unexpected 'check-in' paired with messaging about something the parent observed the child doing that was fun or exciting or new. Then, letting the child play independently under supervision for a little while. Several minutes before it is time to leave, instead of announcing a countdown (which can actually result in anxiety for some children rather than outline an expectation), the parent can once again join in with the child for an activity. Using the time to play and engage with the child where there is shared fun and laughter as the transitional steps brings the parent into the child's world and it forms a partnership. It can also be helpful to pair leaving a fun activity with another engaging activity that happens only after leaving certain activities that are fun transitions. Then, talking about the excitement of the afternoon, for example, "I am looking forward to going to the park and playing for awhile today, and then when we leave, don't forget that we are going to (get a kid's meal for dinner as that can be reserved only for those times of leaving things the parent knows result in resistance, have a special surprise snack that was packed, or even have a car activity/game used only for specific occasions). The key to such a transition is to not put contingencies such as, 'we will only get a kid's meal if you leave the park without throwing a fit.' Reminders or redirection can offset this by sharing with the child how it is time to go so we can get a kid's meal for dinner tonight and immediately transitioning it into discussion to look ahead to that next item. This isn't considered bribery because it was part of the intended plan from the beginning and there is a choice between giving a young child something undesirable to do after leaving the park or desirable. This example will not work with every child nor is it suggested as a once size fits all approach. Instead, the aim is to illustrate the use of creative techniques to reduce tantrum behaviors. Getting a child engaged, excited about, or even laughing about something in a moment where a tantrum is coming on or expected can serve as a valuable tool for reducing frequency, intensity, and duration. Getting ahead of the tantrum before it escalates is one of the most effective ways to reduce related challenges.
In my next blog posting, I will cover meltdowns. I will discuss why understanding differences matters, origin and concerns over meltdowns, symptoms/behaviors, and why discipline is not just ineffective, but damaging to a child experiencing a true meltdown. Also, I will cover testing the waters behaviors that mimic a tantrum or meltdown and why they are completely different.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only. No information is intended as personal, medical, or therapeutic advice. I do not support, condone, or recommend any punitive or corporal discipline to children of any age of any behavioral concern. Always seek out guidance, evaluation, medical/mental health consultation from a trained professional and get support any time you are struggling or feel there is a problem. If you experience an emergency, please call emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.
*Some older children do have tantrum behaviors, but such behaviors are usually a regression, sign/indication of an underlying and/or undetected concern (sensory, developmental/behavioral concern, potential medical concern or illness, trauma or abuse), or an effort to use a behavior to mirrow what they've watched a younger child effectively do or attempt to control the environment. If an older child engages in tantrum behavior, it is still important to remain in control of your response, discuss the behavior with the child, and address by helping with appropriate problem-solving, professional evaluation, and/or both. This entry is not intended for addressing tantrum behavior in older children or children whose medical/developmental circumstances result in these behaviors ongoing or as an older child. Those circumstances are not less important, but just not included in this specific blog posting.
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